the explosion

i really don't know what else to title this blog... this is pretty much everything i've kept bottled up for a while, and it's time it got out somewhere.

i am not the "typical guy," and you know what? i don't really give a shit if you have a problem with that. i like to shop and i absolutely love color guard because it's the only activity that ever made me feel something in my life. i have feelings and most of the time i don't really know what to do with them. i over-think situations 99.5% of the time and 100% of the time i come to the wrong conclusion anyway. i like watching sports, but i'm not going to rattle off statistics about who won the world series or the super bowl for the past 10 years--although i can probably tell you every one of the finalists in WGI and/or DCI in the last five years, what their show theme was, and whether or not i liked it. i actually enjoy watching one tree hill. i know how to treat a woman. i have never had sex and don't intend on doing so until i'm married. my mom and my girlfriend are the two most important women in my life. my dad and i just don't get along and i have absolutely no other male role models in my life because they've all let me down. i am not a "manly man." i have never gone hunting or camping (although i'd really like to go camping someday) and the idea of porta-potties seriously grosses me out. i've gotten a flat tire twice and was only able to successfully change it once, and beyond that i have little to no knowledge of how a car works beyond making it stop and go. every once in a while i enjoy listening to the spice girls or *nsync, and i like coldplay and death cab for cutie.

i get it. all the facts point to me being gay, except for the minor detail that i like women and i'm completely in love with a woman. and last time i checked, that's kind of a requirement of being gay. i mean, correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't that the ONLY requirement for being gay? and i realize i don't do a whole lot to "help my case" but i'm tired of compromising myself just to convince people that i like women. why do i have to "act" straight if i'm not gay to begin with? what the fuck does "acting straight" mean anyway? do you just want me to be an asshole all the time and never have any feelings for anyone? to me that just seems like an empty way to live... what's so wrong with caring about people and letting them know you care about them instead of just trying to go through life alone?

so that's that. you can keep making fun of me for whatever because i know it's funny. but just try to keep in mind that there's a little more to my story than a running joke of my "ambiguous homosexuality" and somewhere beneath the exterior, i have feelings too.