nature boy

today has been a very emotional day.

my best friend layne left for muncie this morning, and it still hasn't completely sunk in yet, but i did get my first taste of the reality of it at church. layne and i have been going to this church in evansville for about a month now, but we always went together. the first few weeks of the summer, i went to a bigger church service on my own at a different church, but this was the first time i was in the college class at this church without layne being there to help me feel just a tad more comfortable. i convinced myself that i was going to bust out of my comfort zone and maybe strike up a conversation with someone i don't normally talk to, but i failed miserably.

meanwhile, the big group discussion was about God's will, and what that means exactly. the verdict: we still don't know. but one of the ideas was love: love God and love others (matthew 22:37-39). so naturally, i started to think more about love, as i always do, because it seems to be an idea that i always think a lot about, but never act on.

after the college class, i went to mcdonald's to read before work since i had to go in earlier than usual, and while i was at mcondald's and while i was on break at work, i was reading cormac mccarthy's the road. i was really hesitant about liking/disliking the book, but whatever the verdict, i've been captivated by the relationship between the boy and his father. they have this totally unique relationship and the nature of it slowly reveals itself as the story unfolds. really, there isn't all that much going on in the story, but the relationship is constantly changing, and showing more and more about both the man and the boy in the story. the man is literally all the boy has in the world, and the boy is literally all the man has. yet there's this distance between them that hasn't been resolved, and i don't know if it ever will.

i went to see wall-e after work, and while my brother-in-law hated it, i thought it was great. and again, the thought of love and relationships was back in my head, but it didn't really hit me until the drive home. i got tired of listening to cd's, so i turned on the radio and they were doing "nighty nights" on open house party, which i don't usually listen to, and i wouldn't have if they were playing music, but it was just like five minutes of just people telling people how much they love them. and in hindsight, maybe it was pretty stupid for that to have an impact on me because that 11-year-old girl saying nighty-night to the love of her life probably doesn't know what real love is... but that's not the point. the point is that i realized something.

we're afraid to love each other.

and we're even more afraid of being loved.

i think i've noticed it with guys more so than girls--of course, i would be the one to notice it. but really, think about it: guys won't admit when something is wrong, and we don't want help with anything. so the very thought of someone caring about us is uncalled for. especially if it's another dude, because that's gay. but that doesn't make sense to me--why is it that we're so afraid to love and be loved by other people?

again, i don't have answers to any questions i asked in here, but it's something to think about. why are we afraid to love and be loved?

as they sing in moulin rouge, and i'm sure it originated elsewhere...

"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."